As It Is
by stranger12
Summary: He wondered what his life could have been like


**Karekano – As It Is**

He wondered what his life could have been like

* * *

Arima saw her again during the school reunion, but for a long moment, he dared not approach her. What right did he have? After all he did to her, the way he left her behind for empty promises and long forgotten memories, he should not even speak to her. In fact, he should probably leave right away and allow her to see her (their) old friends.

Asaba stopped him just as he turned to leave, wearing both a gaudy suit and a wicked smirk.

"No, you're not" – the artist told him, putting a heavy hand on his shoulder.

"Let me go" – Arima growled, though he did not try to get away.

"I don't think so. What's wrong, why are you going?"

"Stop fooling around"

"She's fine, you know, it's been fifteen years, she hasn't been waiting around for you"

It wasn't that it hadn't occurred to Arima that a girl– A woman such as Miyazawa would have moved on, of course some worthy man would've seen how incredible she was and snatched her away, but.

He could still remember the day his life took a turn that he never quite recovered from. His mother, his biological mother, came along, extended a hand and he followed her because she was his mother, she was beautiful, and he still remembered just how much he'd once loved her. He didn't consider that it was a mistake, not at that moment, but of course it was.

Ryoko destroyed him, as he should have known she could, would. Had she not left him for dead when he was a little kid? Yes, she had, and still he'd trusted her, and because she was as vicious as she was stunning, he soon found himself knees deep in her depraved life, allowing her to guide him through the underbelly of the world of high class prostitution, drugs, Yakuza. His mother was a prostitute, and he'd fallen for her pretty face and beseeching eyes.

What a fool he had been. He did not deserve Miyazawa, he never had, and his brief time with Ryoko only proved it.

It was his father, the man who had been entranced by Ryoko many years prior, who found him and pulled him away from all the ugliness of Ryoko's world. He took one look at him, at the bags under his eyes, at the lipstick on his neck, at his ripped clothes, and sighed deeply before gently putting an arm around him as they slowly made their way out of the club.

Arima never did find out what happened to Ryoko that night, Reiji never told him, and neither did his true father, the man who'd raised him to be a much smarter man than he'd proved himself to be, and Arima still wondered if Reiji had killed her, or if he had only made her suffer for all she put Arima through for three long days. After his early childhood, he had not thought it was possible to be hurt so much, but it was Ryoko. She knew how and where to hurt someone.

His mother, his true mother, gave him a bath for the first time in years, and said nothing when he started crying and curling up on himself in the tub, apologizing over and over again while she just caressed his head lovingly. Afterwards, she put him to bed with a kiss on the forehead, and he slept like an angel for the first time in what felt like years.

The next day, he had to confront the consequences of his action, of course, with his parents and Reiji across from him in the living room, staring at him with various degrees of disappointment. Arima had never felt smaller in his entire life.

"Why did you go with her?" – his father asked, and Reiji snorted.

"Don't ask him that, that's too obvious. She asked, he followed, what man wouldn't?" – the younger man said, almost savagely.

"Reiji"

"You won't have to worry about her anymore, Soichiro" – his mother said quietly.

"Never again" – his father added – "But after what happened... We aren't sure if you should remain here"

"Are you... Sending me away?"

"Not permanently, only until you... Feel better"

"I am better" – Arima attempted, but Reiji simply snorted.

"Don't even start, kid, you are a terrible liar"

"Reiji, stop it" – his older brother chided and he obeyed.

"We only want what is best for you" – his mother said.

"... Where am I going, then?" – Arima asked, still too tired to fight any longer.

He went to New York with Reiji and took on tutors in order to finish his schooling. If he so chose, he would be allowed to attend school there, eventually, though even before he left, Arima knew he would do it. Reiji was aloof and barely paid him any attention, other than to try and test him in one way or another, and when he pleased him, he would quietly commented on how well he had been raised.

Like the coward he now was, or maybe had always been, he wrote Miyazawa to tell her about the move, and she wrote a long letter back, going from confused to angry, from saddened to resigned, with a brief farewell at the end that made Arima want to hop on a plane and go to her, but he had made his choice. He had gone with Ryoko not because of his mother's charms, or not only because of them, but also because he was broken and wanted it proven, and what better way than the woman who beat and starved and neglected him? If he was broken, and he left with her, surely that alone proved that he was not as good as his parents, as Miyazawa thought he was.

So he stayed in New York, he made no attempts to befriend his eventual classmates, and he thrived. His parents were proud of him as usual for his efforts, but to Arima, it was all empty. He longed to be with Miyazawa, who was surely living a wonderful life, because she had been doing just fine before he came along, and she would do much better without him around to pull her down to his dark world.

Years passed and Arima became a doctor. Reiji, with whom he'd forged something resembling a friendship, sniffed at his chosen profession, correctly diagnosing Arima felt no passion for it, but he never said anything in front of his parents, who were so proud of him Arima could hardly breathe sometimes. Asaba, the only person Arima had remained in touch with over the years, told him about the high school reunion and after hesitating, Arima agreed to go, hoping for a glimpse of the woman that Miyazawa had undoubtedly become.

And so he stood with Asaba after his friend stopped him from leaving, and he watched her. Oh, how beautiful she still was, the glow of youth gone and replaced with the confidence of a successful adult. Asaba told him she'd indeed become an attorney, one who made her opponents shake in their boots whenever they went up against her, and Arima could not blame them, he never would've wanted to debate with her.

"She never married, you know" – Asaba commented.

"Oh?"

"But she'd dated all kinds of men" – the blond pointed out, almost cruelly.

"I see"

"Won't you talk to her?"

"I..."

"I'm sure she'd like to talk to you"

Arima looked at her, and she looked his way. Her face froze in surprise, then it cleared and she coolly nodded at him. Asaba turned to look at him but Arima simply shook his head.

"We'll meet for a drink before I leave, yes?" – he told his oldest, maybe even only friend.

"No, wait, don't go yet, stay a while"

"I'm sorry" – the blond looked mournful, but let him go.

What if he had not left with his mother? What if he'd refused her? Would he be with Miyazawa still? Would he have managed to hold on to her over the years? He would never know, so he just allowed the cold air to hit him as he hurried to leave his memories behind.

* * *

I'm not sure what this was supposed to be, to be honest, just... If the manga didn't have a happy ending.


End file.
